Monday, June 29, 2009

What .....???

I don't like this feeling but why can't I help myself out from this rut? I know where I am leading to but why don't I want to be saved? I know the answer to it but why won't I act on it?

It actually sucks to be living like this now. There is just this feeling inside of me. It just feels like I am cold all over inside (no I don't have H1N1)and as if I am sitting in a pressure cooker. Its not like I've actually cooked myself before but it just feels as if there is just a physical pressure on you, pushing your insides out. It makes you feel as if you want to dismantle your bones and piece them back like Lego pieces. No amount of stretching made me feel more comfortable today ... I'm not sure if curling up in bed will make me feel better.

Something is seriously wrong. When having 8 hours of sleep is not enough ... when snacking non stop just doesn't make you full ... when even the full blasting air cond makes you feel hot or when everything around you just doesn't make you smile from inside. I want a hug to let me feel safe. I want a pill to let me sleep well. I want brownie to let me feel warm inside. I want to be alone to see my self. I want to lock my self up and just let my mind go blank. I want to be away from people for a while.

I have tried cheering my self up but failed. Friends have taken me out but I hide it from them. Colleagues have been darting me with rubber bands but I just laugh. Happy times at work seems to be just a slide show in my eyes. I talk to friends I love but my emotions can't be found. Conversations that were meant to comfort just seems so much more painful. Pouring out your frustrations makes you feel like you've lost your safety shield. I feel like a robot. A heartless robot. Being a robot makes you miss out on so many things. I am a robot that has an empty mind. A robot who doesn't care less. A robot who cant control her own feelings. But there is one ...

And the feeling of being afraid has been there for the past few days. Its in my gut, in my heart and I can feel the chill in my spine (no wonder I don't like horror movies). There is no physical threat, I am in a perfectly safe space. There is nothing I did wrong or nothing to worry about. Yet this feeling is there. Its like I am just afraid of being afraid. I am afraid for my family and friends. I am afraid of losing the people I love. I am afraid of losing my pillar of support. I am afraid for the future and the past. I am afraid of things that will never happen. I am afraid of losing control. I am afraid of being vulnerable. I am afraid of letting go. I am afraid of the tears that will just flow for no reason. I am afraid of the stupid nose that is so stuck now. I am just afraid. I don't know of what. I'm just afraid of being me.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

One big simple sentence

Didn't realize that so many weeks have passed since my last posting. And looking back, so many things have happened in those weeks. The many trips to and fro SG, the many heartaches and tensions, the numerous late nights (at work) and frequent calls.

But then again there are the happy moments. The delicious food! Seafood! Crabs! Chili's! Ice- kacang! Italiannies! Stuffed crust pizza! Old town kopitiam! My own fried rice! Secret recipe! Durian Buffet! Steamboat buffet! Drinks in Bkt Bintang ...haha no wonder my belly doesn't seem to go down.

And there were the little pleasures in life that makes you energized ... a silly dog nudging you up in the morning! Making lychee jelly! Finding a S$ 50 note stuffed in a jeans pocket you never wore for more than a month! Going up to Genting in the wee hours of the morning! Getting drenched in rain! Watching a comedy while munching chips! Receiving a card from a far away friend! Dinner with the pals! Its just excellent!

And there comes a time when a single sentence can change all your plans. That single sentence can doom you to eternity being stuck in the office. That statement made can have drastic effects to the people around you. I know sometimes we have to be selfish and love ourselves, but sometimes you need to care for your neighbours too. One simple sneeze can get you infected with H1N1 but in this case, one simple sentence can make someone's life so much more miserable.

Things do change and sometime people have to react differently. I do understand the rationale behind that sentence. I do see the need to express it but I never knew the impact it could bring. Who would guess that the bombings of Hiroshima could still have its nuclear effects 100 years later? Things just surface and it might be difficult to patch up. There is just so little of me but so much expectations. hmm.... what should I do.

Brain is busting and that little big sentence left me a little emotional. Perhaps even regretful. Fortunately I had a little time off to enjoy and clear my head. Did another of life's little pleasures! Read a novel while enjoying a nice cuppa of ice-blended mocha over lunch!

But then its back to work again ....

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Where is the line?

What a way to end the weekend. Its Sunday, and perhaps my philosophy is true ... I hate Sundays. Its always the hottest day back home. There are always squabbles happening on Sunday and even the TV shows are crap on Sunday. But why does this shadow of black Sundays have to follow me across the border?

It was a good week for me the past few days. Busy but relaxing. Had some time to do some browsing on Orchard, had chance to eat some good food, had some laughs with friends and best of all ... had a good sleep while tucked in comfy-ly on my hotel bed. Had a great class over the weekend and gained so much insight. And all I wanted was a nice night in Bugis and go home happily with hands full of shopping bags .....

But NOOOOO!!!! Some people just don't understand boundaries. Perhaps some people don't have calendars or clocks at home. Perhaps they don't even have a life. Or their life is meant to make others' life miserable. And their weekend thrill is to be ridiculous and spread the joy of 'nonsenc-icle' crap around.

I mean, don't you know that the world doesn't evolve around you? Don't you know that different people have different thoughts, different shops have different prices or different dishes have different tastes? If you really want everything to happen on your own, DO IT YOURSELF! Or better still, ship yourself to an island and have everything there function to your own wants.

This calls for respect! Respect for other's time. Respect for other's rights. Respect for other's individuality. Respect for other's need to differ. And most important of all is to respect others if you want them to respect you.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Home Sweet Home

One week has passed and the first part of my adventure has ended. I haven't missed my home so much before, though it has not been the first time I was away for so long. I really am not sure how I am feeling right now.

On one hand, I really want to go home, to sleep on my own bed, to have my little brat poke me up in the morning, to have the luxury of lying on the couch and watching dramas. I am longing for that nice stretch under the warm comfy sheets. Can't wait to be put in trance by the constant spinning sounds coming from the old ceiling fan. I am looking forward to tomorrow morning when I do not need to set the alarm clock at all. Life has been so busy and hectic these few days. Non stop work and super late nights in the office.

Come to think of it, why am I doing this to myself? I am posted away for a while. Away from the office where I just have a task to perform, but without restrictions. There will be no one to watch what time I go home or what time I go for lunch. Yet, why is it that I stay up alone in the office till 10pm. Why is it that I do not have my lunch till 4pm? Is it really that busy? Can't work wait till a bit later? Why hasn't the pattern changed at all?

I asked my friend this … why are you doing this? Why are you torturing yourself? Where is your life …..... hmm, where is mine? I shouldn't be asking others when I myself have not found the answers. 'The pot is calling the kettle black'. And this answer only lies within my self. Only I am capable of answering it. To search withing my self and ask, what is it that I truly want?

And on the other hand, I don't really want to go home (ok, I need to .. my luggage is not packed for that long a journey). I want to try being away for a longer period of time. Perhaps it might be good that I am away from certain stimulants for a while. Perhaps iv might benefit from the time away, to have to time to recover or even to forget. Perhaps being apart might have its benefits too ….. I don't know, its time to evaluate and we'll see how the story continues to unfold.